- Fri, 12:52: Ine time @JFly99 saved a bus full of children from seeing Robocop. #ff
- Fri, 12:53: Thank goodness @curlycomedy favorites my tweets. It's the only reason my Klout score is over 50. #ff
- Fri, 12:58: I would never cannibalize @jrizzo if we were trapped on a desert island because her body is 83% beer. The other 17% is cheese & sausage. #ff
- Fri, 13:05: He always warns me to stop eating whole blocks of cheese but damn it @mikesapptweets, they're just so delicious! #ff
- Fri, 13:51: I swear I've seen @SharonSpell's hair lurking under my bed. Just the hair. #ff
- Fri, 14:12: The NSA is going to read all your sexts anyway @cammiclimaco. #ff
- Fri, 14:13: No one tell @colinpdempsey that he's had a french fry stuck in his beard for a month. #ff
- Fri, 14:17: If I die under mysterious circumstances, I suspect @katiecompa will randomly be heading off to a fancy vacation. COINCIDENCE?! #ff
- Fri, 14:19: RT @colinpdempsey: Do not #ff @djmrcurmudgeon
- Sat, 06:03: Dear brain: shut up and let me sleep. Ugggggh.
- Sat, 11:19: More cheeze powder on our Cheetos! #WhiteManMarchProtestSigns
- Sat, 11:23: My mom won't fold my underwear the way I like! #WhiteManMarchProtestSigns
- Sat, 11:24: I am currently wearing mom underwear! #WhiteManMarchProtestSigns
- Sat, 11:28: I only eat white bread, drink 100% whole white milk and get drunk on white box wine! #WhiteManMarchProtestSigns
- Sat, 11:29: Health insurance is for pussies! Nobama! TCOT! #WhiteManMarchProtestSigns
- Sat, 11:32: Asian girls won't respond to me on oKCupid! #WhiteManMarchProtestSigns
