- Mon, 13:33: On my new cover letter to employers: "My Klout score is 58 and I only have 244 Twitter followers. BOOM! *drops mic*" Hire me now, kids.
- Mon, 13:35: I heard @ChrisBrown boils puppies alive because it makes their meat more tender and delicious before he beats a woman.
- Mon, 14:25: Hot chocolate while I come up with acronyms for FARTS. http://t.co/ZiBPY9ib
- Mon, 17:04: Remember that time that @ChrisBrown & #TeamBreezy made women everywhere feel good about the world? Me neither.
- Tue, 11:14: It's snowing outside people. WE ARE DOOMED!
- Tue, 11:16: If I don't survive the snow, someone please continue peeing on @colinpdempsey's front steps for me. Thanks.
Mon, 14:57: I'm starting to think that dogecoin is the Cutco Knives of currency. They should try throwing in a free sharpener if you buy 10 or…
Fri, 13:19: RT @ joshgondelman: This is (in my opinion) one of the most fun things @ SHODesusAndMero has ever done. Please enjoy (among other…
Thu, 15:18: RT @ OhNoSheTwitnt: “I hate looking at homeless people” they whined, as they boarded their respective diamond-encrusted private…