- Mon, 13:33: On my new cover letter to employers: "My Klout score is 58 and I only have 244 Twitter followers. BOOM! *drops mic*" Hire me now, kids.
- Mon, 13:35: I heard @ChrisBrown boils puppies alive because it makes their meat more tender and delicious before he beats a woman.
- Mon, 14:25: Hot chocolate while I come up with acronyms for FARTS. http://t.co/ZiBPY9ib
- Mon, 17:04: Remember that time that @ChrisBrown & #TeamBreezy made women everywhere feel good about the world? Me neither.
- Tue, 11:14: It's snowing outside people. WE ARE DOOMED!
- Tue, 11:16: If I don't survive the snow, someone please continue peeing on @colinpdempsey's front steps for me. Thanks.
Sat, 04:17: RT @ smartstatistic: I would love to have been unburdened with issues of race as an 8 year old but I was too busy having white kids…
Thu, 04:56: RT @ powellnyt: “His face was in your windshield, Jason. Think about that,” a detective told South Dakota Attorney General Jason…
Tue, 04:38: RT @ danozzi: just to be clear: gender reveal parties have a higher body count and have done more property damage than antifa ever…