My tweets

Tue, 12:56: THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO HAPPEN TODAY! http://t.co/JketsgGU
Tue, 14:11: Be careful Instagramming your votes today, it could be illegal in your state. http://t.co/TMiyg02K
Tue, 21:43: The US electoral process is like Free Parking. Depending on the house rules, anything could happen but I will probably lose regardless.
Tue, 22:31: RT @SaraJBenincasa: Ladies, that tingling you feel in your pussy is FREEDOM.
Tue, 22:44: RT @SharonSpell: I didn't get a sticker for voting today, but I do get to keep my reproductive rights & healthcare $ right to vote a ...
Tue, 22:45: Thank you Budallahjesus! I get to theoretically love America for four more years!
Tue, 22:48: RT @Disalmanac: UPDATE: Mitt Romney still thinks he might win Ohio. No word on monkeys flying out of his butt.
Tue, 23:05: Our favorite black president won!
Tue, 23:07: This election did not go well for legitimate rape. Poor GOP douchenozzles.
Tue, 23:08: It's more alive than your comedy.career. #zing "@vicjackshow: I can't stop crying. America died."

Tue, 23:12: RT @GoTeamMegan: If two people who love each other getting married is a problem for you, the problem is you, not the marriage.
Tue, 23:29: Fox News calls it too. http://t.co/qov0RhgK
Tue, 23:34: How is Donald Trump's toupee holding up tonight? #electionnight
Tue, 23:36: Ate you still crying? If symptoms continue for 4 hours, seek medical assistance. "@vicjackshow: I can't stop crying. America died."
Tue, 23:56: Which home is Mittens going to cry in tonight?
Tue, 23:58: So many sad racists. Boooooo hooooooo.
Wed, 00:00: Paul Ryan is P90Xing like crazy right now so he can't make it out tonight.
Wed, 00:05: RT @SharonSpell: It's the Paul Ryan Workout: http://t.co/VgHbyyIL
Wed, 00:17: RT @BDolanSFR: If I was Obama I would open this speech with: "As-Salaam-Alaikum" just to watch the crowd's face & make Donald Trump ...
Wed, 00:45: RT @SharonSpell: What we learned tonight is that Harvard Law beats Harvard Business. @djmrcurmudgeon

Wed, 01:30: RT @hodgman: Good night everyone. Thank you. Alter's headphones to you all. And that is all.
Wed, 01:45: RT @MrEmilyHeller: Ha ha ha Mitt Romney can't even drink tonight
Wed, 01:49: RT @Andy_Richter: Such a stunning across-the-board repudiation of shitbirds.
Wed, 01:52: If the rape guys didn't want to lose, they shouldn't have worn those short skirts. They were practically begging for it.
Wed, 01:53: RT @pvponline: Cut to Obama and Biden silently eating schwarma.
Wed, 01:54: RT @hodgman: Alter in headphones http://t.co/vN6xm3dF
Wed, 02:02: RT @AnnCoulter: I feel so sorry for Mitt Romney, but sorrier for the country that will never have him as president.
Wed, 08:19: Farts in the wind, dude. "@realDonaldTrump: Our country is now in serious and unprecedented trouble...like never before."
Wed, 08:24: To top it all off, Mitt's car elevator is down for maintenance. Poor Mitt. Better find some people to fire, that always makes it better.
Wed, 11:37: I hope those of you watching the election on NBC's taped delay of it haven't read Twitter yet this morning. Spoiler: Giant headphones!