Sean (darksoul) wrote,

i think you may be seeing a lot less of me on LJ for awhile. the invasion of so many people i know IRL has caused me to feel as though expressing myself freely in my journal is a sin. i've tried very hard to stay at peace with the hermit lifestyle i had moved towards. i hate fighting with people in general, especially those i call friends/have called friends. nothing productive ever comes from fighting with any of them. hell, an end never seems to come out of it either. i'm tired of it all. i've been tired of it all for a long time. i was happy with talking to Fuzz and Ryan and a smattering of other people via AIM and LJ, occasionally going out and hanging out with them. i wasn't being involved in the petty games that some people would like to play. i wasn't involved in the pointless fights people picked just for attention. while i may regret not having been there when someone may have needed help, when i might have been able to make a difference, i also realize that i didn't and don't have influence over anyone and can't fix things for anyone. *shakes his head* my one major regret and i can easily rationalize it into thin air. and yet still, i have remorse.

some people have it easy. they don't bother to think about things, always running about acting rashly and sometimes outright stupidly. and they like to hold that up as an excuse. sorry if i'm not able to make that mistake once in awhile. sorry if i accidently step on some toes every millenia or so and enrage someone for it. nevermind the fact that i may have let them walk all over me at one time and still show them respect as human beings. sorry if i don't fit the profile of what people expect me to be, don't do what people expect me to do, say what people don't want me to say. i'm tired of bowing out and letting things linger. i'm tired of just giving in to others and letting them step on my toes without just cause. i'm tired of being cast down because i make one tiny mistake while others are allowed to live, breathe, speak mistakes constantly and be rewarded with attention and love for it. for making an attempt to contain and overcome my own flaws as a person, i am cast down when one is shown. maybe i should start pinning those flaws to my shirt like little pieces of flair. i may not be able to show off 75 pieces of flair like some, but i'm sure i could come up with something. then again, that's not who i am. i can't walk around whining about my faults. i can't go about showing off my flaws and silently begging for people to love me. it's not in my script. it's not in my character to do that.

expect little from me for awhile outside of a few friend's only posts here and there, maybe a pointless post now and again. i'll be focusing my time on LJ trying to do things productive, like helping out with LJ. if anyone really needs me, they know how to contact me. old reliable, i am. old i feel. reliable i've always been. too bad so few have ever known how i've always been. thanks to those few...

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