Sean (darksoul) wrote,

Everything worthwhile deserves a fight but don't lose yourself in a tug of war...

Part of the motivation behind moving to New York, aside from escaping Kansas City, was to try to nurture the parts of me that I like and leave behind the things about myself that I loathe. The cowardly lion, the elitist snob, the snarky lover, the walls I built around myself to protect and hide the unloved fat kid of my youth. There's value in all of these masks, but only if I take the parts of them that are healthy and use them to improve upon who I am at heart. I feel like I've been on a journey to find that kid and give him a hug. At first it came pretty easily because I wasn't around people with whom I'd fall into the same old routines. Then I found myself in a bad relationship with someone that slowly drew all those behaviors back out. I feel bad for Kathleen since she moved back before I had purged those bad behaviors again. I'm better than all that. Living with her, I feel like she still holds onto the idea of the person she's always known rather than the person I've been trying to become since I moved. It's reasonable. I've been an insecure jerk most of my life. Why should she expect anything else from me? Why should anyone expect anything else, anything better?

I'm working on taking a new approach to writing. No one ever got published by waiting for someone to tell them what to write and how awesome they are. We'll see how long that pushes me to write.

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