Sean (darksoul) wrote,
Sean
darksoul

  • Music:

If my life were a book, it'd be titled "One Long Incoherent Bout Of Rambling. It's Sad Really."

Last night I went out for dinner with a friend from high school whom I hadn't seen for a few years. Dinner ended up turning into sitting at Outback for 3 hours talking and talking and talking. The charm may have been turned up too high as I had her laughing and grinning most of the night, but there's nothing wrong with that in the grand scheme. So much time had passed between now and the last time that I'd seen her that I had to make up how to behave on the fly. It might sound strange, but it was nice to have that sense of uncertainty about things. Sure, we were friends eons ago and that bond of friendship is still there, but we weren't terribly close friends three years ago when we stopped talking and weren't all that close in school. Now she's less quiet and mousy, I'm more outgoing, more confident, less of a dork. Life has happened in the interim. Knowing what was prim and proper behavior and what might be too far were a little more mysterious than, say, if I were meeting friends of friends at a party.

...

Blah blah blah. I'm inflating this event into something much more than it actually was or even what I view it as. Getting along with someone who has no reason to get along with me whatsoever boosts my self-esteem and makes me feel like I'm not a total loss. A stupid opinion to hold of myself, certainly, but sometimes I need to know that I'm appreciated by people whose opinions aren't influenced by our relationship and any need to make me feel needed. Hell, sometimes it's nice to even know I'm appreciated by people who ARE influenced by our relationship and feel the need to make me feel needed.

Incoherent rambling indeed. I'm in the midst of reading a book loaned to me by Sarah Grrrrr that's a medley of random stories of growing up in South Carolina. The way it's arranged interests me and is making me think about going back to writing my pseudo-autobiography. Add this to the list of things I'd like to find myself actually getting off my butt and doing.
1) Write "A Long Incoherent Bout Of Rambling" or whatever it ends up titled
2) Start getting some of my poetry written out, then find a poetry slam that doesn't make me want to stab myself/others to participate in
3) Buy DJ equipment, teach self to DJ
4) Buy a pony
5) Cure disease, solve world hunger, overthrow The Empire
6) Learn origami
7) Open-mic comedy? That would require me to be funny though...

Anyway. There are conversations that I'm working myself up to having with various people. I've yet to decide whether or not I'm getting up the nerve because that's where I'm at now or if it's because I'm in a self-destructive, self-preserving, self-serving, "It's time to do right by me for once", "tear it all down and rebuild from scratch if you must" head space. Perhaps it's simply a combination of the two. Perhaps it'll fade before I accomplish anything. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.

I'm torn between being a chatty bitch and being quiet and antisocial these days.
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