Sean (darksoul) wrote,
Sean
darksoul
  • Music: Counting Crows - Round Here (live)

I seem to have lost my instinct for life. Do you have any to spare?

The problem with knowing me is that I'm not real. It isn't just a me thing, this applies to everyone, but I think it applies to me in an even larger manner than your average person. People get an idea of who you are based on your actions and your words. When you're constantly cynical, they assume you're a cynical person. If you're always seeing certain types of movies, they assume those are the only movies you like to see. If you have a certain job, they assume you enjoy working in that field. Take my family for instance. I get the occasional call or email asking for assistance with a computer. They assume that I like working on computers, since that's part of my job, and so they're ALLOWING me to do something I enjoy that'll help them. They mean well, but they don't know that I'm only a fan of working on computers as a hobby that works out to my benefit. If I'm working on one in my spare time, I want it to be for me. People always accuse me of being cynical or pessimistic. No one ever sees through it though. No one ever realizes that I wear cynicism like a cloak to hide the fact that I'm overly optimistic about things. They don't see that I use it to protect myself from pain from being too hopeful. I'm reminded of The Who's Behind Blue Eyes. No one knows anyone, they only know the sum total of their perception of a person's actions and words, from which they base their idea of who that person is.

Who I am is a lie because no two people know the same person. I'm still discovering new things about myself every day. I'm still changing every day. Hell, I'm not the same person now that I was an hour ago. The naysayers out there will use this all as ammo against me, claiming that I'm purposely different to different people. All I can do is shrug in response. If you didn't know that you were a thousand different people at once, then you're a fool.

There was no point in writing all this. I was just thinking about it and decided it was worth saving for my own good.

I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm tired and I am cold
And I am naked and alone
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