i never held a funeral for that big part of me that died
life is a strange creature. i've walked thousands of miles in my 21 years and yet i'm right back in the home that i grew up in as a child. i've dropped out of college and barely graduated from high school even though i had a 3.2 GPA senior year. i've worked at the same job for the last 2 1/2 years when most people work 2 1/2 jobs in that same span of time, if not 5. i flew to LA on a whim and managed 2 seconds of screen time in one of the biggest blockbuster films of all time (ah Willem Dafoe, you are the only man I pitied in that god awful heat and that's only because that costume had to have been form-fitting). i'm listening to hiphop and rap. i had a relationship that lasted longer than a pair of shoes. i'm not a computer programmer. i'm not working in some major corporation in an Office Space scenario (really, i'm not). i've crossed things off of checklists that i never really thought about writing until i'd already started crossing lines off of them. i've crossed bridges i didn't know existed in search of treasures i hadn't even heard of. i've come to terms with my fear and loathing, even if i haven't caused them to end. i've torn my soul apart and glued it back together again more times than i can remember. i've found inner peace only to discover that it was still layers deeper in that onion peel that is my heart. my scars have healed after years of being familiar friends from life.
sit down and think about the things that've happened to you in the last 10 years that you'd have never expected. in the last 5. in the last year. in the last 6 months. the last 6 weeks. amaze yourself at what's happened to you that you would've never expected, at what you've done that you never thought you could.
and now the evening has come to a close and i've had my last dance with you. so on to the empty streets we go and it might be my last chance with you, so i might as well get it over with. the things i have to say won't wait another day. - Fantastic Damage, by El-P
but like Billy Idol, i tend to just dance with myself. no better partner, no matter how lonely it might be.
contemplative