Sean (darksoul) wrote,
Sean
darksoul

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And I'm sympathetic, never letting on I feel the way I do...

I've been dreaming more often lately. A dry-spell had set in for awhile, but it seems to finally be disappearing. Could be the change in season, could be my body providing the mental exercises I need to keep the brain active, could be one of a million things. In any case, they're a welcome reprieve from the empty nights. Last night's major dream was bizarre.
I was in a gymnasium (not sure if it was at Sumner or not, it was a pretty generic gym) sitting in the bleachers with a bunch of people from my class in high school. We weren't there for a reunion, but I never figured out what we were there for. It seemed like someone was getting married or something. In any case, I wandered through the bleachers catching up with various people, finding out about where they've ended up since we graduated. Each person I talked to made a point to tell me that a particular girl was looking for me (I know who they specified, but I'll leave it out because I do those sorts of things).

Finally I found her sitting with her sister and some other people I didn't recognize. "Hey, I heard you were looking for me. What's up?" She just looked at me, this horrified look on her face. "I...um..." she muttered, when her sister piped up. "Just tell him," she said. At this point I was rather curious.

"Um, well...*sigh* Alright, here goes. I love you. I've wanted to tell you that for years now, but never knew how. And now you're going to think I'm crazy and not talk to me." She buried her face in her hands, almost ready to cry.

"That's not true at all, I just haven't figured out how to react yet. Thank you though. I...I don't think I've been as flattered as I am right now. But let's talk about this later, when we can talk privately." And then I wandered off. The rest of the dream seems vague now. The scene shifted to a dinner, a reception for a wedding perhaps. I never did have that conversation with her, though I did see her occasionally in the distance and she smiled eagerly at me every time. Then I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing.
This is what I get for wondering about people lately.

My dream led me to a day full of pondering. One of the worst things about emotions is that you never know how another person feels. Sure, they might tell you how they feel, but unless you believe they're being completely honest with you (and that they truly understand how they feel), you can't accurately judge how they feel. This problem escalates when it's in regards to love. Think of how many times you've had a crush on someone and never told them. Maybe you felt as though you were in love with someone but never told them how you felt. Most everyone goes through this in their life. What I ponder is how many times a person is the object of another's affection without knowledge of it. How many times have all of us been the object of someone else's dreams and never learned about it? Pessimism suggests that no one ever feels for us the way we feel for the object of our own affection, but realistically, most "crushes" feel about the same.

Along that same train of thought, I realized that I've been thinking of the people of my past more than usual lately. I wonder if this is a product of lonliness or if it's a sign I'm getting old. Part of me really is curious as to how people I've gone to school with and spent my younger years growing up with are doing with their lives. That leads me to wonder how often other people think about me. I'm far too sentimental for my own good sometimes...

These are the sorts of things that I spend my day pondering. I should get a hobby.
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