and there’s no color to behold
i often find myself wanting to try and relate to the world "the life and times" of me, the chronicles of what events influenced my becoming who i am, the psychological/philosophical battles that i've endured, the scars i've acquired like the elderly collect change and TV Guides. yet when i go to put any of it into words, i can't find the words to describe what no one is interested in hearing anyway. i didn't have a terribly difficulty childhood and my high school years, while full of stories, weren't nearly as bad as most people. nor did i have a terribly interesting and fruitful childhood or high school career, so i can't brag about my achievements. my life is one of failure without having failed. i've neither moved up or moved down in society, side-stepping change indiscriminately to maintain a personal status quo.
He said, "Can you hear me, are you sleeping"
She said, "Will you rape me now?"
He said, "Leave the politics to mad men"
She said, "I believe your lies"
He said, "There’s a paradise beneath me"
She said, "Am I supposed to bleed?"
He said, "You better pray to Jesus"
She said, "I don’t believe in god"
if i've learned nothing else in life, i've noticed that life is always static, and yet it's always changing. the details change, the generalities stay the same. occasionally you'll endure drastic change of some sort, but more often than not, we endure the same day repeated over and over again, with a mild shifting of the detail to add a little variety. events happen that make one day look different than the rest, but on a long enough timeline they all blur together. the beginning of one day and the ending of another disappear into infinity. ignore all that though, because i'm just jaded from living the same boring day over and over again, with intermittant showers of joy and pain during the afternoon. at least, that's the jaded part of me that's influencing my hatred for living the same day over and over again...
So I run, hide and tear myself up
I'll start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity
I will disappear
these days i find myself filtering every piece of communication for anything that might be too revealing. concealing things that aren't mine to reveal. hiding things that might cause others pain. burying things that could destroy what little beauty is left in my life. i'm a horrible person. i don't mean that in an angsty whiny way. i truly am horrible. i bring nothing but unhappiness and misery to those who truly get close to me. i am the harbringer of pain and anguish. i've tried to start over. i've tried to burn myself away to be reborn from the ashes. i've only ended up more broken than before and a burden upon those who care for me. some days i'd like to just get in my car and drive until i'm far enough from here to have effectively disappeared, then setup a new life as a new person with a new soul and a new me.
I have dreams of flight, but I'm not floating. the ground is approaching awfully quick.
So I wake up screaming for you to catch me. That's what I start every day off with.