July 4th, 2006

zissou

I'd come up with a witty and emo title, but it's all been said before.

7:30 am and I'm awake. Awake and thinking too much. Awake and in a foreign land trying to convince myself to go home to my own bed. It's been like this for 45 minutes now. Music is playing, but only in my own head. A level of self-loathing has descended upon me that I haven't felt in years, anger and hate, self-destructive frustration. Don't worry, I'm not one of THOSE people who go out and hurt themselves in this state. I'm more apt to make stupid decisions and ruin perfectly good situations in my life than I am to throw myself into traffic or start cutting, the former being one of the reasons for the self-loathing in the first place.

Have I ever been happy? If I was, would I know it? Has there ever been a time when I was content for more than just a few moments?

It's time for some change, but what changes to make and where I want to be in the end have yet to be decided. Besides, it's best that I don't decide on what I want, that never works out for me anyway.

Blah. Best that I put my best face forward today. I've got random people that I'm spending time with that I don't know. Better that I not be all angry and pissed off at the world when that happens. At least then there'll be a chance that I'll have a good time in spite of myself. Maybe.
  • Current Music
    Toad The Wet Sprocket - Something's Always Wrong
zissou

Bleh. Words would only serve to make me vulnerable and telling you wouldn't help matters.

Feeling better, but not in the ways I'd like. Some exercise and time spent with my head between a pair of speakers have done away with the worst part of my mood, but I'm not entirely sure I'm fit for social activities yet. I've got a couple hours to decide still, I suppose. Made the sherbet punch just in case I decide to go.
  • Current Music
    Tom Waits - Sins Of My Father