|I've spent so much time "settling" that I fear that's going to be the theme of my life...
||[Jan. 17th, 2006|03:17 am]
|[||Your mom ain't listening to
|||||Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter||]|
Waking in the middle of the night to a head full of thoughts about life and where I'm heading is never a good sign. The thought of escaping this city has been weighing heavily on my mind. Even just escaping this house would be an improvement. I may end up having a talk with "the landlord" and see if she can figure out some way to afford this crazy arrangement without me living here. Maybe I'll move into an apartment on my own. Maybe I'll skip town and try to find gainful employment in some distant land. A change must be made.
At the same time, I fear that this desire to run away all stems from the simple fact that I'm sick and tired of spending every day alone. I surround myself with people as often as I can, only to turn around and keep them all at an arm's length. Not a single person in my life knows what is actually going on behind the mask, a situation I've gone to great strides to create because there are so many things I hate admitting to myself, much less to the people I care about. Better to be the funny man jerk than to admit that I'm an overly sensitive whiney emo dork. Humor as a defensive mechanism has always worked out for me in the past and they always say to go with what you're good at. Occasionally I miss the sweet-dorky-me, but when did he ever really exist? More often than not, he's just been a figment of my overactive imagination, someone that I wish I could be if the circumstances were ever ripe for him to actually see the light of day.
This is neither the time nor the place, but 3 am has a nasty habit of making me more honest with myself and others than I ought to be.
Time to try and pass out again before I end up spending another hour sitting here writing a bunch of meaningless drivel that's all been said before in one form or another.