|Eventually enough layers will be peeled away that I'll finally be laid bare...
||[May. 29th, 2005|07:39 pm]
|[||Your mom ain't listening to
|||||Blue October - Ugly Side||]|
Blah. I'd tried putting things out of my mind, but that obviously didn't work for very long. I've even tried drinking them away once or twice, but that only made me think about things more. So here's what I know currently:
I want to be friends with you, there's no doubt about that. I'm done (and have been done for some time now) with trying to get you to rethink things because it's not my place to do so and you've already decided that you're going through with things. I love you, mostly in that way that friends love each other, but a small part of me loves you in a way that can't be labelled and is hard to pin down for examination. I can put that on a shelf and move on with my life. It wouldn't be the first time, in general or specifically regarding you. I'm done with chasing you, not because you aren't worth chasing, but because I'd rather be working towards a paycheck than trying to win the lottery. I hate the way I miss you because there's nothing I can do to change that.
Then there are the things I'm still working through in my own head:
Do I want or need you in my life? If the former, is that more important than walking away and making both of our lives easier? If the latter, why? Why can't I just hate you and walk away? For that matter, why don't you hate me yet and just walk away? If we stop talking, will it really solve anything for either of us or will we just be back where we started a month ago? What am I going to do from here?
There's plenty more in both categories, but it's all been said before or a subset of the above. Left out are all the questions that I have because I don't want to ask them and I don't think that I want the answers and all that asking does is lead to more thinking and more questions and more more more. I'm angry and I'm sad and I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Part of me wishes you'd never said a word to me and that none of the last month had happened because at least then I wouldn't recall so vividly what I've been missing. Part of me wishes I could just go off on you about how much you've hurt me and how much I resent you for making me feel like this, even though it's my own fault for letting myself be vulnerable. Part of me wishes I could just curl up in your lap, cry until I'm all dried up, kiss you one last time, and walk away. Part of me hates all those other parts for wanting to find reasons to hurt someone that I care about so much over things that I don't regret.
Sometimes I get the feeling that you're simply waiting for my forked tongue to strike, that the only reason you keep me around is so that when I finally break, you'll be able to absolve yourself of any guilt you've been harboring because I'll have finally turned my ugliness on you. I don't believe it to be true, of course, but if it is, then just tell me so we can get it over with and move on to the next step, whatever that may be.
I'm sorry. Not for saying any of the above, just... I'm sorry. For being a flake. For letting you get under my skin. For wanting you to get under my skin. For letting all of this crap get in the way of us being friends. :/