|"Do I betray the world to be who I want to be?", or "Forget about being perfect, be real."
||[Dec. 12th, 2004|12:53 am]
and now the evening has come to a close and i've had my last dance with you.
so on to the empty streets we go and it might be my last chance with you,
so i might as well get it over with.
the things i have to say won't wait another day.
- Fantastic Damage, by El-P
self: So you're just going to close yourself off to the world and suffer life in silence?
me: Keeping to myself doesn't mean I'm locking myself away from the world.
self: No? You might as well. What's the point of interacting with anyone if you aren't willing to sacrifice enough to make a real connection?
me: I'll leave the sacrificial lamb complex to the ghosts I've since left behind. That never was my cup of tea.
self: Fooling yourself doesn't mean you're actually fooling anyone else. Everyone see's through your games.
me: That implies that I've even managed to fool myself. These days I just spend my time chastizing myself for not being able to control my defense mechanisms. It's no wonder that girls aren't interested in me, I automatically try to drive away anyone that I vaguely have an interest in by acting like an ass towards them.
self: In your defense, I think some of them may be attracted to you due to your apparent lack of interest in them (or worse, due to your OBVIOUS interest in them that you desperately hide.)
me: Whatever. Nothing that I really want is remotely within reach, and what is within reach is a poor substitution.
self: You never know what'll happen if you keep your mouth shut.
me: I know that I won't go through the same things I've gone through time and time again. These days I'd rather keep the peace than rock the boat. Swimming to shore just doesn't appeal to me.
self: Look at you, getting all metaphorical. One of these days you'll need to learn how to say what you mean instead of just meaning what you say.
me: Until I get the same courtesy, I don't see that happening.
self: You're still confused and unnerved about all that talk of timing, aren't you?
me: *sigh* Isn't it always about "time", no matter what the situation is? It's the only enemy I've ever fought other than myself.
self: Welcome to the human condition.