March 1st, 2004

into this night i wander

I need a summer but it's winter in my heart...

I want to be one of those people who can run away and start a new life in a new place. I want to wander around until I find some place new to call home. I want to find someone who sees me for who I am and can accept that. I want to find something that makes me happy. I want to feel secure, to stop living from paycheck to paycheck, fearful that if something happens, I'll be doomed. I want to be someone, to do something important, even if it's only important to one person. I want my life to have meaning. I want my existence to mean something. I want to feel something real. I want to stop suffering from moments of spiraling despair.

Don't pay me any mind. Eventually I'll just hermit myself away and you won't have to endure these random bouts.

The paths that I once tread
have all but gone.
Only embers now smoulder
where bridges once burned.
I feel alive and yet I fear
what may happen now.
I know I can't return.

And I hear me say again
'oh let me not return'.
Damn the illusion of redemption
and the hopes that held me here.
I will oppose all that would befall me.
With this rage inside of me
I will defy what I would become.

The solitude and anger
that do battle inside me
will always guide me to the answers
that I know I may not see.
They are the bonds that hold me tighter.
They are the chains that weigh on me.
One day I know they will be gone.

Can I start again and erase this pain
by casting doubts into the waters,
asking judgement of the sea.
Though fortune may guide to the fools
I have no wish to be free
until I am gone.
  • Current Music
    VNV Nation - Holding On