November 20th, 2003

Seriously though

When will you learn...

The problem with man is that he is the only creature on the planet with a god complex. Animals, for the most part, live off of instincts. They don't gain pleasure out of power. To them, power is simply a means to insure procreation and furtherment of their genetic traits. It's all a part of their drive to survive. Alternately, man actively seeks power. Some of us only want enough power to make our lives simple but happy. But for most people, that isn't enough. We see ourselves as minor deities, whether we realize it or not. Knowing that we have power over others often goes to our heads. We enjoy knowing that our opinions and decisions matter and have an impact on other people's lives, sometimes to the point of reveling in that fact. At our core, we enjoy playing the part of God, even in such a small capacity. It is this that causes man to be corrupt. We give various people the power over us in some capacity, be they politicians, celebrities, family, lovers, whomever. They accumulate power and begin to feel godly in their positions. Then they find something they have no control over and demand power over it, increasing their desire to become God. No man deserves power over another. No one knows what is the right path for themselves, much less other people. No one should have the right to make a decision that affects someone else adversely. And yet, we give that power to others just as much as we seek it. Humanity has yet to learn that we are all victims of our desire to be God or to have a God in our life. It is a lesson I doubt will ever be learned, and if it is, I doubt it'll change anything.
  • Current Music
    Linda Perry - Knock Me Out
everyone needs christ-like imagery, Super Walken

If you deny this, then it's your fault.

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My brother and I often discuss the fact that we believe ourselves to be abnormalities amongst the rest of society. Putting aside all of that "everyone is a unique snowflake" garbage, the two of us often wonder how it is we became what we are rather than turning out like most people who grow up under similar circumstances. By all accounts, I should be a wrestling and nascar fan, an aspiring mechanic whose already built a car from parts, dating a girl I met at someone's house while I was high. I should've gone to a regular high school with regular people who learn just enough to get them blue collar jobs. Yet that's not who I became. It isn't due to any special nurturing provided to me by my parents. My dad was neglectful of me, at best. My mom raised me well, but she had 3 other children to take care of (ok, two kids and my dad, but I think he counts), so it isn't as though I was afforded much attention. Television and books raised me. My moral and religious beliefs are an amalgamation of what I absorbed from tales of fiction.

It isn't as though my mother didn't try to provide me with moral guidance. We attended church for several years. The problem was that I wasn't of an age where religion might have appealed to me at that point. She had brought me to the feet of God a few years too late. By this point, I was no longer easily convinced or swayed without compelling evidence to change my opinion. It didn't help that I was encouraged to come to my own conclusions about the world rather than have someone else force their beliefs on me. I accepted Jesus as a man who possibly existed, who, if he did exist, preached love and brotherhood. But as far as the rest of it went, there was nothing compelling to get me to use the Bible as a guide to my moral values. I'd seen enough people claim religion guided them and watched them destroy themselves because of it. "The path to inner peace lies within me, not without," I often told myself until it became a sort of mantra.

I continue to absorb every experience into my outlook on life, no matter how minute. It's either that or I become stale and predictable. The only stale thing I've ever been able to swallow is crackers. None of this explains my brother, of course, though I'm apt to believe that he's a result of idol worship and emulation.

Really, this post had no purpose. I just felt like babbling.
  • Current Music
    Placebo - Centrefolds
Seriously though

You are someone else...I am still right here...

Plans for the weekend are non-existant. I don't know when/if I'll have transport available to me. Maybe I'll just sleep all weekend. Maybe I'll go out and buy The Wall on dvd and watch it over and over until it's time to come back to the machine and go back to playing George Jetson. There are a number of things that need to be done. There are a number of things I'd like to do just because. None of those things are up to me, nor do I find it worth the effort to voice what they are because it'll only get my hopes up, the words giving them a least an ounce of flesh. I'm getting better, but there are things that still need to be done before I can jump those final hurdles. Confused? So am I. I think it's considered a human condition under which we are all bound to suffer.
  • Current Music
    Jewel - Don't

Tell me, is something eluding you sunshine? Is this not what you expected to see?

reluctantly he trudges forth
picks up his gun
puts on his dull armor
slides into the same worn boots
doesn't know why he's in this battle
doesn't know why he continues to fight
can't remember who was right and who was wrong
can't remember what was left behind
he just fights because it feels right
until they send him home
by box or train
  • Current Music
    Pink Floyd - Waiting For The Worms