July 3rd, 2003

into this night i wander

my life might be brighter, but i still can't reach the stars

My apologies to anyone that I've been distant to over the last week or so, especially you. There's a general sense of lethargy in my life right now that I haven't figured out how to end. Work is becoming more and more of a drag. I don't know if it's that I just need a vacation or if it's that I should seriously start looking into a job somewhere else. I love where I work, I love the people I work with, this job just isn't me. The problem is, I don't know what job is "me". I want to go back to school. This can't happen until I've gotten my car and laptop paid off. A couple weeks ago I decided to defer my student loan payments for a year because they were beginning to make my financial situation look a little shakier than I would like. The deferment was approved, thankfully. When I start paying them again, I'll have my car taken care of and my laptop payments are negligible, so I'm not worried about that. Then there's the personal life. Blah. I'm happy, sort of. Normally the problem with me is that I can't accept the fact that I'm happy and part of my brain spends a lot of time trying to figure out what problem I'm ignoring. Not so this time, or at least not so much. This time things are simply too complicated for me to feel more than bittersweet happiness. I don't regret a moment of it, but I'm not going to lie and pretend that there isn't a part of me that is wishing things were slightly different. We'll discuss this some time at length when I don't have lunch plans to scurry off to, I owe you that much.

I guess some people are just born with tragedy in their blood.
  • Current Music
    Spindoctors - How Could You Want Him (When You Know You Could Have Me?)
phonepost, beans beans the musical fruit

people will start to think i'm schizophrenic or bi-polar for interacting with myself this way...

self: You better watch out, you nearly revealed some of your deepest secrets with that last one.
me: Seriously, do you think before you speak? Everyone knows I have troubles accepting being happy. It's emotional baggage I've carried with me, mostly due to having a bad fath-
self: Blah blah blah, spare me the flashback. You've got emotional baggage from this and that and blah blah blah. Grow up. Your past is just a story that explains what happened to you up to this point. How do you ever hope to become all of those things that you dream of becoming in that secret dark place in your heart if you can't even overcome your own stupid hang-ups, of which you seem to find one for EVERY situation.
me: I'm not disagreeing with you, but what does this have to do with what I just got done saying?
self: "I'm SOOOOOO sorry that I won't talk to the people that care about me about my problems." You might be sorry, but you don't plan on changing that fact. You have two key defense mechanisms, humor and silence. You're not very funny when you use humor to keep people from thinking something is wrong. Of course, you're not very funny in general, so it's hard to discern when you're upset or when you're just lame. When you've spent too much time dwelling on an issue, you become distant. That's not to say that sometimes you're not just quiet and distant because you don't have anything to say, it's just that it's a good indicator that something is on your mind and you aren't sure if you want to talk about it.
me: There are some people I'm willing to discuss such things with...
self: People that aren't close to the situation, perhaps. You've always been afraid of confrontation. It's understandable, you learned to avoid it at all cost, especially after that trip to the hospital.
me: In this case, it isn't even an issue of confrontation. I know I can be honest and open. It's that I haven't managed to fully decipher what is going on inside my head. I'm happy, but there's...something...else there. Something I can't define. Apprehension? Sadness? If I were to define it as anything, I'd say that I'm a needy bastard who just needs to adjust. That doesn't even really describe it. I've got programs searching now for words to describe.
self: So be honest about THAT. Explain that you don't know how you feel and that you're a hopelessly lost little boy. You've spent so much time complaining that people see you as a naive, innocent little boy that you've ignored the fact that you ARE a naive, innocent little boy. Until you understand that, you'll never reach the intellectual heights that I aspire to. You can't climb mountains without the proper gear.
me: In the meantime?
self: In the meantime, you speak when you feel the need to be silent, you shut up when you're rambling, and you let me handle things when you don't think that you can or there's a hot girl on the line.
  • Current Music
    Linkin Park - My December (Reanimation mix)