July 23rd, 2002

Seriously though

random rant from the perverse fairy tale universe...

i've learned how to absorb every thing that bothers me in such a way that it just doesn't bother me so much anymore. years ago i had to learn how to take the punches and just shrug them off. maybe i take that for granted now. maybe i just don't see the point in making a mountain out of an ant hill. i get hurt, i vent in some fashion, i'm better. i may still be hurt, but i don't let it effect me as much. if you life in a world of your own pain and sorrow, you'll never end up getting anywhere. same thing goes for drama. when you turn everything in your life into a soap opera, don't act surprised when you're life is insane and you find yourself miserable. it's the natural order of things. make things overly important and blow them out of proportion, suddenly you can't handle them anymore and they all come raining down on you at once.

i'm babbling, i know, i have a need to vent. the last couple weeks have consisted of me trying to exist in a simplistic universe where people are responsible for themselves and behave like responsible adults clashing with people who don't exist in that same universe. and no, that isn't aimed at any person in particular, it's a culmination of many things. i feel like, no matter how much responsibility i try to take on, all but a select few seem to think that it's still not enough and that i'm being an irresponsible college boy. god forbid i should set aside some money for food, maybe something to keep me entertained and increase my moral for a brief time. god knows there isn't enough going on to kill my will to live, much less my ambition to do anything. no, i'm not going to do something stupid. the facade is just beginning to wear thin at this late hour. i feel so alone in the world. hell, i've felt alone in the world for eons now, but the latest couple of bouts with Jen have reminded me how little anyone knows me at all. it hurts to see that the person you've spent 3+ years with doesn't have a clue who you are, how you handle things, or how to interact with you. i don't mean this as an attack on her (which she'll indubitably read it as), just as a statement of fact. she doesn't understand how i deal with my emotions, with my pain, with my anger, with my sadness. the list of people who do are nearly non-existant. they're people who have been with me through all my phases, who have grown to understand me because they were observant and understanding individuals. they've also learned to let me deal with things in my own way, knowing i'll ask for help if i need to talk about things. jen just doesn't understand that i don't always want to discuss things with her. discussion rarely helps soothe me. more often than not, it just causes more issues. take for example any time she wants me to explain to her why i'm upset or why i seem angry. she takes offense to anything i say, even if i say nothing. and so i tend to say nothing because it's better to have her mad that i'm silent than to be mad because i said something critical of how we interact or how she's behaving or blah blah blah. i'm not a critical individual, i always let things slide. if i have something critical to say, it's probably because it's something that's really troubling me and has me rather concerned. except no one ever seems to accept the idea that i'm being critical out of concern. if i'm making a disparaging remark, it must be out of hatred, an attack on their character. *sighs* and i ramble again...

i think the major reason why so few people really understand where i'm coming from, how i behave, why i do what i do, is that i don't really know how to put it all into words. most people expect to have it all spelled out to them. it's not that easy, few things are. those few that have cracked that thin candy shell and found the sweet sugary goodness inside have just put more effort into getting to know me than others.

it's late. i ought to sleep. i want sleep, i just don't know if my body knows it ought to power down for the night...

P.S. Thank you for your concern ahead of time, but I really am fine, regardless of my venting. I just have to expel the demons from time to time. It's either this or I go back to my days of moody poetry. I like this more myself.
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