||[Apr. 10th, 2002|03:58 pm]
|[||Your mom ain't listening to
|||||VNV Nation - Joy||]|
I write nothing but drivel. I apologize for that. It's not as though I don't have things to say, I really do. Anymore, it feels like something of a chore to write a worthwhile entry though. Part of it is my general malaise, part of it my annoyance with LiveJournal as a whole (no, not people I consort with, but just the general atmosphere that surrounds LJ), part of it is my unwillingness to unburden my soul upon you people any longer. I miss making contact with actual humans. While I've vastly enjoyed meeting the people I have on LJ, having 20 friends on LJ still doesn't match being able to go spend the evening with 1 friend getting a bite to eat and driving around aimlessly. Those are the sorts of things I miss. Sitting around with a small group of friends and just yapping for hours. All my small, close knit groups of friends have dissolved for one reason or another, or I've drifted away from them for no good reason. I constantly say I want to change that fact. Unfortunately, words are not actions and I'm not the type to easily stop doing what is currently comfortable for me. I like it when my life is comfortable, I've rarely had a moment in my life that could be deemed that. Sure, it's not terribly healthy on the psyche, especially when it's making you miserable, but it's consistent.
Consistency is the worst poison to corrupt yourself with because you start off thinking it makes you happy, even if it doesn't. It gives you a false sense of security and makes you feel as though everything will be just fine. But without the challenges that come with an inconsistent lifestyle, you stop pushing yourself, you stop promoting self-growth and self-improvement. For some people, that's just fine, but not for me. The problem is I don't know where to go from here. Like my writing, I'm in a rut. In every aspect of my life, I'm stuck in a rut. I simply need to find some sort of kickstart, something to throw myself into. Unfortunately, it seems the only option is to throw myself from the frying pan right now.