March 2nd, 2001


(no subject)

i am utterly alone in the world

Disclaimer: This is not going to turn into nor is it meant to be your average "No one in the world understands me; woe is me, i hate my life and wish i was dead; no one could even begin to understand how i feel right now" kind of rant. This is merely an observation, a verbalization of my annoyance at how life has dealt the cards and such. It also does not reflect my opinions of fellow LJers, though I'm sure that you also know the difficulty of really seeing the "real me" via my writings alone.

i've finally conceded to the fact that no one knows me in my life. i had tried to convince myself i was wrong for a brief while there. i had hoped that perhaps i was wrong and that those closest to me understood me better than i'd originally thought. they don't. no one does. i'm not particularly upset by that, just saddened and disconcerted by it. i have few friends any more. certainly, many people may consider me a friend of theirs, but i have few enough friends that i could count them all on my hands. and of them, none of them understand me. none of them understand my hopes, dreams, aspirations in life, my wishes, my beliefs, etc. a couple will feign like they do, the others would willingly admit that they don't. shouldn't friends know what their friends strive for in life? i know what most people close to me strive for, and i have a decent idea of why. no one can say the same about me. none of them know how often i sit alone, thinking about what i'd like to do with my life, how to go about those things...any and all of the things that are important to me, the things that they don't even know about mostly because they don't bother to find out.

in most every friendship i've ever had, i've always been "the giver". i'm the one to put effort into the friendship, i'm the one to make an effort to make the other happy. i've only had a few friends who have ever seemed to really care about my happiness. and they've either disappeared or faded away.

i worry that i'm losing my mind. literally. that i might become schizophrenic or that i am already. is that a schizophrenic thought? paranoia? am i really well-loved by everyone i know IRL and just in denial?

i feel as burned out as i did during senior year of high school (god, that feels like it was years ago, and yet it was only last year...) only this time its worse, because now i understand it. it's like a bad sequel to a sci-fi flick. this time around i understand the beast, and so i'm more complacent about how i deal with it. probably not the best of ideas, since the good guy usually gets killed for doing something like that. this is real life though, the consequences will be far worse than a simple maiming and a short funeral.

and to think, i'd finally thought i had a grip on my own reality. as soon as i try to figure it out based off of my relation to the other cards on the table, it threw it all out of sorts. ::sighs:: more later if i get the effort....
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