December 29th, 2000


I'm Dying...

it's decided. i'm dying. inside and out. i'm dying. i can feel it. each individual cell lives it's brief little life, then eventually it dies. every moment, thousands of my cells are dying. true, they are reborn in death, like cells always are. i feel my body falling away, rejoining the compost heap of life.

"this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."

"only after disaster can we be resurected"

I feel as if i am going through the same cycle as my cellular structure. my body and soul are going through a constant phoenix-like cycle.

"i say let me never be complete"

"i say never let me be content"

"i say you have to give up"

i feel like i am giving up. i've stopped caring. or rather, i've stopped showing that i care. no one cares if i care or not. why let them know i do. it doesn't matter. no one understands anyway. all of this stuff goes through my head day after day. stupid pointless things, pithy little things that sound so brilliant to me. but when i share them with those who are supposed to be close to me, they look at me as if i'm mad. is this how sophocles felt before the following? plato? nietzsche? i'm sure this is how nietzsche felt before the fall...utterly alone in his understanding of the world, with no one but himself to mutter to. cobain went out the same way. he sang/wrote of the stupidity of whiny gen-x'ers and about how they don't take a stand for what they are against/for. and they worshipped him. his message was never understood by them. they looked to him as a martyr when all he really wanted was someone who understood. one of the last great artists of our time. i'm sure trent felt this way at one time. i'm sure he's too busy now, what, with owning a record company and all. i still respect him. i just couldn't handle it all myself. too much of a reclusive artist. i enjoy hating solidarity. i hate being alone, and yet when i'm not, i just wish i was. it's all cyclical. back into the compost heap we go, 50-90 years wasted that we could have been used as nutrients for the soil...
  • Current Music
    Dust Brothers & Tyler Durden - This Is Your Life

(no subject)

"I beg of you my brothers, remain true to the earth, and believe not those who speak to you of otherworldly hopes! Poisoners are they, whether they know it or not. Despisers of life are they, decaying ones and poisoned ones themselves, of whom the earth is weary: so away with them!"


give the kid a cookie, he stops peeing on the floor...convince him he'll go to hell for it, he'll never pee again...

you know, that quote below from saddly true it is. so many people worry about the after-life, whether or not they'll go to hell or hades or a demon-infested world or whatever your religion calls for. why? what's the point? we have no way of knowing if it's even something to worry about. the purpose of an afterlife in religion is to give humans an incentive to follow a regimented path in life. the highest attainment of society is when we don't need religion to guide us. when mankind can do good without the ultimate incentive. i think that is what nieztsche's superman was truly about...onward zarathustra!
  • Current Music
    the final cut - pink floyd